Older than dirt...

Its coming up on my 35th birthday....I'm broken down (MCL & Meniscus sprains - right knee & tendinitis in my right shoulder) , evidently for me getting older first means the deterioration of my whole right side. So for those of you who I've wronged in the past now is the time for your revenge! SWEEP THE LEG!! I'm basically on injured reserve & overweight...the odds are in your favor revenge seeker!

Other than trying to survive the hordes of people looking to take their vengeance upon me at my weakest..there's really nothing but rehab and more rehab. I guess more than anything its time to jump/limp back on to the eating healthy and working out wagon --- AGAIN! After all the free food from working 80-100 hr work weeks and just plain laziness I've built the 'Cant' see my belly button anymore' physique.

Who's says I don't have a fuckin filter?!

There I am on time out sitting on NNN's kids' time out chair because I spoke about Nevertap's landing strip in NNN's backyard (her actual backyard not the dirty version... you dirty mutha fuckas) and I guess I was loud enough for her neighbors to hear. After almost breaking the chair I serve my timeout sentence and sit back at the patio table to the comments of, "I'm sorry my husband doesn't really have a filter."

ME?! Filter?! I'm just talking...expressing my opinion but I did notice that most of the people that were given me the evil eye (I couldn't tell whether or not the asians were giving me an evil eye because well they looked like they were squinting and when they try to open their eyes only their eyebrows move) were women. It was like I had revealed some secret or that I was trying to cause an insurrection over the amazonian masterdom that they have over my fellow man.

The 5 questions to ask yourself to know if you are being oppressed by the amazonian masterdom movement:

#5: You have to look at your wife/girlfriend before you laugh at another guy's joke.

#4: You would rather clench your ass cheeks for an hour or more (walking like a giraffe with a stick up its ass) in the company of your significant other rather than just letting it out

#3: You want her friends to like you, so you pretend to want to listen when they talk instead of just saying, "Can you get to the point of the story please without all the emotions?! GEEESH GET TO IT!"

#2: You always let her drive even knowing that you increase the chance of being in an accident or getting a ticket.

And the top question!

#1: When you are in public with your lady, YOU ARE CAUGHT HOLDING HER PURSE! OR EVEN WORSE WEARING IT ON YOUR SHOULDER LIKE SHE WOULD!

6 yrs new!

So it hasn't really felt like six years (13 years being together) and to be honest I'm a very lucky guy. I have wonderful kids (except when they drop dueces and I gotta change them) and a very beautiful (and semi-smart) wife! So where's my life lacking if I have all these great things? First let me give you a brief rundown of my 'Pool of Points' theory. The 'Pool of Points' theory is really a theory of balance.

Every person or thing has a set of characteristics or traits if you will. And within those traits/characteristics are a number of points that all draw from the person's 'pool'. For instance: Jessica Alba, a really attractive person until she opens her mouth to say something. There are way more points in her looks than in her intelligence traits. And just like that a majority of her points from her pool are allocated into her 'looks' category. Or it can be applied on a larger scale like, 'asians are good with the ching a chong chang kung fu and math but not very well endowed and are not great drivers. Or women, naturally attractive and highly sought after which can bring lots of joy to their gender counterparts, but they do not have any or little common sense. Or white people, with their good credit scores and ability to talk to police without getting beat down but not very coordinated on the dance floor and generally un-athletic.

So back to me, I have a great life, great kids, a great wife, so where's the balance? Ahh...and it hits me...I'm way out of fighting shape and the hair is thinning. So what do I do now? Do I go on a mid-life crisis run? Go buy a porsche? Wear lycra shorts to show off my personal knuckle everywhere I go? Start my subscription on Viagra? Actually none of the above...I'm in a good state of balance, putting me in a good place. I love my wife, my kids, and my life and I'm more than happy to take all the points from anything else and put them towards my wife & kids.

Don't call it a come back!

Cuz I've been here for years...something...something...LL Cool J rap...anyways...so some time has passed since I last updated this blog and a lot has transpired. Twins bday, Xmas, and the New Year. I also noticed that Nevertap and her friends are always updating their blogs while reminding me that I haven't updated mine in months. I guess thats a chick or in their cases a cougar reaction to spilling my emotions out and sharing their Desparate Housewife's, Sex in the City style feminist propaganda. Share my emotions???!! Why? How in the world does that help you feel better? Why must women feel the need to include all the emotions in all of their dialogue. For example:

(the names of these people have been changed to protect their identities)

A person: "So hey, how are you?"

Jess Ostrich: "Well you see I was getting ready for work when I noticed that I haven't talked to my best friend Kim Cougar in a while. And I said to myself I'm feeling like we need to connect and...blah blah blah...something...something...I have a full walk-in closet of clothes but I will always have nothing to wear that will match 1 of 300 purses that I have. Woe is me. I'm the victim here! Its not like I put my personal info on my blog! And if I did its because I care and wanted to share my utmost feelings with the world. "

Now if a person asked No Neck the same question...

A person: "So hey, how are you?"

No Neck: "I'm good. Let's get something to eat."

BAM! done! See how simple the latter conversation went versus the first!

Weekend ...

11/16/08 - pulled a tard move today on keeping my caloric intake steady....

8am: vegetables and fruit supplement (30 cals)
9am: 1/2 egg white omellette w/ diced portuguese sausage & 1 1/2 sausage links (400 cals) & 2 cups of coffee (60 cals)
1:30pm: Wendy's chicken cesar salad (330 cals)
7:35pm: veggie and fruit supplement (30 cals)
running low....need more calories...I think I'll do a chicken salad sandwich....totally brain farted on keeping my calories at a steady pace
11:13pm: chicken salad sandwich (500 cals) breaking the rule I know but I'm light headed and gotta keep the caloric intake steady but no fried foods!

11/15/08 - Ok broke down and of course had a bacon breakfast burrito or what 5.0 calls, 'Heaven wrapped in a tortilla'....I must have had a dream last night of those things falling down from the sky landing all around me cuz I woke up with bacon breakfast burritos on the brain for my first meal...but alas....I could not cheat myself another meal.

4am: bacon breakfast burrito (390 cals)
9am: veggie & fruit supplement (30 cals) + strawberry yogurt (100 cals)
12:15pm: turkey wheat wrap (300 cals) + 1/2 chicken cesar salad (247 cals)
7:30pm: chicken salad sandwich on wheat (500 cals)
Total: 1567 cals

My slambook of nutrition...days 2, 3, 4, & 5

For those of you old enough to remember the concept of biker shorts as casual wear, members' only jackets, Vanilla Ice, parachute pants, "Welcome to the Jungle", words like "cyke", and 'Weird Science' will know the idea behind a slambook. Well this past week has been pretty hard on not falling back to old habits of eating past 8pm and eating whatever is around without thinking of the health debt I incur. The term, "Health Debt", is a term I coined to measure the detriment to a proper diet, in this case, in Calories. For the goals I set at the beginning of the week, my recommended daily caloric intake is 1600 calories. So far its been ok but DAAAAAAMN!!! Filipino cooking is sooooo good! FOOOD GREASE!!! As my vietnamese buddies would say, "GIOT DANG DAT GUD!" and oh don't get me started about Pho...because Pho is the king of soups! Pho King good!

So my diet slambook goes as follows w/ commentary:

11/14/08: day 5 of this crap....and then the big test of downtown San Diego...no alcohol and no eating after 8pm. I think whoever is out to get me will make their strongest strike tonight! CURSE YOU!!! I NEED THE KING OF SOUPS! I NEED PHO KING!

1. 8:30am - Fruit & Veggie Supplement (30 cals)
2. 10am - V8 (70 cals)
3. 1pm - PF Changs: green tea; salmon; brown rice; brocolli; shrimp; tofu; asparagus; banana rolls (800 cals)

11/13/08: Ok those peanut butter cookies are still there....JUST STARING AT ME! I took one out but then smashed it cuz I swore it started talking shit, "What are you gonna do just stare? You pussy! Eat me!" Things are getting darker and darker each day.....I can't find my happy place....Help me!

1. 10am - V8 (70 cals); Fruit & Veggie Supplement (30 cals) Ok this is bullshit...I feel like a rabbit....maybe I'll check and see if my droppings are starting to look like pellets too!
2. 12:35pm - Tuna Greek Salad (129 cals); Tuna Croissant (582 cals); Large Toffee Nut Soy Latte (350 cals) Ok this was good but I'm done as far as calories today....
3. 7:30pm - Protein shake w/4 strawberries (220 cals) still tastes like veggie feces...
4. Total Cals: 1381 I'm dying....tell my wife and kids I love them.....Oh the HUMANITY!!
   

11/12/08: Ok not so bad this morning but how the hell did a box of peanut butter cookies and danishes show up on the counter??!!! I think someone is out to get me....

1. 9:15a - V8 (70 cals) + Fruit & Veg supplement (30 cals) Ok this veggie shit aint too bad...
2. 1:30pm - Chicken Ceasar Salad (491 cals); grilled chicken: 2 thighs (400 cals); 1 leg (90 cals); 1/2 serv of white (121 cals)
3. 7:30pm - protein shake w/4 strawberries (220 cals) yeah these shakes taste like shit...I remember why I still have a couple bags of this crap left....If veggies took a shit and then ground it up into a powder form then this is how it would taste...
4. Total: 1422 cals
   

11/11/08: Almost died today with this bullshit diet....F U proper nutrition!

1. 10:37am - V8 (70 cals) + Protein bar (190 cals)
2. 1pm - 8 oz pink salmon (184 cals), 1 serv. carrots (52 cals), 1 serv. white rice (242 cals)
3. 4:21pm - V8 (70 cals)
4. 5:45pm - sashimi x 7 pcs & 1 serv. rice (1000 cals)
5. Total for the day: 1808 cals

"What does Marcellus Wallace look like?!" -- Jules "B.M.F." Winfield

If Marcellus Wallace is an out of shape, 30+ year old, 5'9", no neck having, flip, then that would be me. So sticking with the greatest movie of all time, "I had what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity" last night. The Maniac was getting food while I was parked in the car facing her and these two scrubs come in to the mexican joint and start hitting on her. Immediately, my adrenaline shoots through my bloodstream, and I start to do what I've always done in situations like these and go through the process of taking off my watch, putting my wallet in a safe place. Its like I'm doing all this subconsciously while measuring up these 2 guys; who I'm gonna hit first and how; what weapons are readily available; close quarter; what areas will I strike first; how much damage to an area will I do first, etc. But then I pull back to see how Maniac is doing and she's handling it and not even sweating these dudes. I start to tell myself once I see that these fuck sticks disrespect her then I get to "workout". But it never happens. Maniac gets the food and we leave.

It takes a good 10 mins for the adrenaline to wear off before I can internally calm down. But as I asked myself, "What the hell man? You have a hot ass lady and scrubs are gonna try, especially if I'm not around," I came to this moment of clarity, "I am just too high strung. I need to channel this aggression into something more positive." And so, over the course of last night I put a plan together with objectives and steps. Here it is in its documented form: 2008

Objectives:

1. Walk around weight of 190 – 199 lbs
2. Run a mile under 7 mins
3. Benchpress 225 lbs 30 times
4. Earn my Purple Belt in Brazilian Jiu-jitsu by July 2009

The Plan:

1. Every morning when I wake up and before I go to sleep (20 pushups, 20 V-sit-ups, 20 air squats)
2. Every day a meal at least every 3 hours (Breakfast -9am; shake - noon; lunch - 3pm; Dinner - 6pm; shake - 9pm)
3. Every Monday & Wednesday (Striking: Bag work - Thai Drills w/ weight Vest set at 20 lbs - 45 mins + 5 mins of rope work; Cardio: 20 mins - rotate between Stairs, Treadmill, Elliptical, & Bike)
4. Every Tuesday & Thursday (Cycling at least 7 miles each day, pulling at least 30 lbs)
   Weight lift every Tuesday & Thursday (Strength training - Circuit Training)
5. Record for each meal (Total Calories, grams of Protein, grams of carbs)
6. Keep caloric intake to 1600 cals
   

Rules:

1. No alcohol
2. No soda
3. No Fried Foods
4. No meals or snacks between 9pm - 8am daily!
5. Every day/workout missed will be made up the next day in addition to the already scheduled workout
   

This is the start of a new day!

Today's food so far....

1. 9 am: 1 can of V8 juice (70 cals), 2 cups of green tea, 8 oz of water, 16 oz of protein shake (140 cals)
2. 1:47pm: meatballs, brocolli, rice bowl (250 cals)
3. 5:10pm: banana berry replacement shake (250 cals)
4. 7pm: 2 thighs; 2 servs of rice, diced chicken 1 serv, sour cream, guacamole (750 cals)

Total Cals for 11/10: 1490 cals