Older than dirt...

Its coming up on my 35th birthday....I'm broken down (MCL & Meniscus sprains - right knee & tendinitis in my right shoulder) , evidently for me getting older first means the deterioration of my whole right side. So for those of you who I've wronged in the past now is the time for your revenge! SWEEP THE LEG!! I'm basically on injured reserve & overweight...the odds are in your favor revenge seeker!

Other than trying to survive the hordes of people looking to take their vengeance upon me at my weakest..there's really nothing but rehab and more rehab. I guess more than anything its time to jump/limp back on to the eating healthy and working out wagon --- AGAIN! After all the free food from working 80-100 hr work weeks and just plain laziness I've built the 'Cant' see my belly button anymore' physique.

Who's says I don't have a fuckin filter?!

There I am on time out sitting on NNN's kids' time out chair because I spoke about Nevertap's landing strip in NNN's backyard (her actual backyard not the dirty version... you dirty mutha fuckas) and I guess I was loud enough for her neighbors to hear. After almost breaking the chair I serve my timeout sentence and sit back at the patio table to the comments of, "I'm sorry my husband doesn't really have a filter."

ME?! Filter?! I'm just talking...expressing my opinion but I did notice that most of the people that were given me the evil eye (I couldn't tell whether or not the asians were giving me an evil eye because well they looked like they were squinting and when they try to open their eyes only their eyebrows move) were women. It was like I had revealed some secret or that I was trying to cause an insurrection over the amazonian masterdom that they have over my fellow man.

The 5 questions to ask yourself to know if you are being oppressed by the amazonian masterdom movement:

#5: You have to look at your wife/girlfriend before you laugh at another guy's joke.

#4: You would rather clench your ass cheeks for an hour or more (walking like a giraffe with a stick up its ass) in the company of your significant other rather than just letting it out

#3: You want her friends to like you, so you pretend to want to listen when they talk instead of just saying, "Can you get to the point of the story please without all the emotions?! GEEESH GET TO IT!"

#2: You always let her drive even knowing that you increase the chance of being in an accident or getting a ticket.

And the top question!

#1: When you are in public with your lady, YOU ARE CAUGHT HOLDING HER PURSE! OR EVEN WORSE WEARING IT ON YOUR SHOULDER LIKE SHE WOULD!

6 yrs new!

So it hasn't really felt like six years (13 years being together) and to be honest I'm a very lucky guy. I have wonderful kids (except when they drop dueces and I gotta change them) and a very beautiful (and semi-smart) wife! So where's my life lacking if I have all these great things? First let me give you a brief rundown of my 'Pool of Points' theory. The 'Pool of Points' theory is really a theory of balance.

Every person or thing has a set of characteristics or traits if you will. And within those traits/characteristics are a number of points that all draw from the person's 'pool'. For instance: Jessica Alba, a really attractive person until she opens her mouth to say something. There are way more points in her looks than in her intelligence traits. And just like that a majority of her points from her pool are allocated into her 'looks' category. Or it can be applied on a larger scale like, 'asians are good with the ching a chong chang kung fu and math but not very well endowed and are not great drivers. Or women, naturally attractive and highly sought after which can bring lots of joy to their gender counterparts, but they do not have any or little common sense. Or white people, with their good credit scores and ability to talk to police without getting beat down but not very coordinated on the dance floor and generally un-athletic.

So back to me, I have a great life, great kids, a great wife, so where's the balance? Ahh...and it hits me...I'm way out of fighting shape and the hair is thinning. So what do I do now? Do I go on a mid-life crisis run? Go buy a porsche? Wear lycra shorts to show off my personal knuckle everywhere I go? Start my subscription on Viagra? Actually none of the above...I'm in a good state of balance, putting me in a good place. I love my wife, my kids, and my life and I'm more than happy to take all the points from anything else and put them towards my wife & kids.

Don't call it a come back!

Cuz I've been here for years...something...something...LL Cool J rap...anyways...so some time has passed since I last updated this blog and a lot has transpired. Twins bday, Xmas, and the New Year. I also noticed that Nevertap and her friends are always updating their blogs while reminding me that I haven't updated mine in months. I guess thats a chick or in their cases a cougar reaction to spilling my emotions out and sharing their Desparate Housewife's, Sex in the City style feminist propaganda. Share my emotions???!! Why? How in the world does that help you feel better? Why must women feel the need to include all the emotions in all of their dialogue. For example:

(the names of these people have been changed to protect their identities)

A person: "So hey, how are you?"

Jess Ostrich: "Well you see I was getting ready for work when I noticed that I haven't talked to my best friend Kim Cougar in a while. And I said to myself I'm feeling like we need to connect and...blah blah blah...something...something...I have a full walk-in closet of clothes but I will always have nothing to wear that will match 1 of 300 purses that I have. Woe is me. I'm the victim here! Its not like I put my personal info on my blog! And if I did its because I care and wanted to share my utmost feelings with the world. "

Now if a person asked No Neck the same question...

A person: "So hey, how are you?"

No Neck: "I'm good. Let's get something to eat."

BAM! done! See how simple the latter conversation went versus the first!